Wealth, Well-being, and the Let Them Theory

I had a friend recommend a book to me within the last few months. At the time, I nodded, thinking it was probably something I would enjoy reading, but mentally I “added it to the list” of things I should get around to, eventually.

Then, a few weeks ago, I ran into her at Publix, and she asked if I had started the book yet and what I thought about it. So, I took that as my sign to re-prioritize my list and get the (bleeping) book.

The book is The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins (a mom and daughter duo), and since it’s a New York Times bestseller, there’s a good chance you’ve heard about it or read it. For those new to this information, please follow along with me.

The book centers on how too many of us waste time and energy on things that are outside our control. This is a clarion call for those of us who are high performers, even perfectionists, and workaholics. Even people who are super successful and have a long track record of making (great) things happen can find themselves in a place of fatigue, burnout, and/or just feeling stuck, and too often it comes from trying to control things that are, in fact, outside of our control.

Mel Robbins shares personal details of her “Let Them” journey, when she recognized unhealthy habits and relationship dynamics that continued to produce underwhelming results. Most of us have had a moment (or two, or three) in our lives when we realize that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results. At that place, we can decide to pivot and try something new.

The Let Them Theory is an easy read, and I highly recommend it. It invites people to take something away that may be unique to them. You might need to “let them” in a relationship, with a friend set, or with an employer. 

In my thirty years of working in wealth management and finance, I have often seen dysfunctional money dynamics at play, and it was usually because someone was failing to “let them”.

For example, I’ve seen parents share resources with grown children at an unhealthy level, with few boundaries or limits. In the worst instances, it creates financial hardship for aging parents who may need these funds for their own care. While jeopardizing the financial stability of the retiree, it can enable the adult child to continue their current lifestyle, making choices that don’t improve their own financial independence and develop their own financially responsible habits.

On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve seen out-sized wealth generators exercise excessive control over family members, demonstrating in actions (if not in words) that their financial support is contingent upon doing things and living a life that conforms to certain standards. These individuals are used to exercising power and “letting them” goes against their training and nature. 

This kind of control can be as extreme as expectations to work in the family business, attend approved schools, marry approved partners, and pursue approved careers. The Let Them Theory, when applied effectively, creates space for the people we care about to explore, learn, and develop in ways that may or may not align with our preferences.

In the spirit of “Let Them,” what does a healthy money relationship look like? It could look something like this:

“I’m your parent (or grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc.) and I will always love and care about you. I analyze my finances periodically, and these are the ways in which I can help you, while managing and maintaining my own long-term financial stability…”

“I’m excited that you are pursuing your education to become a (career of choice), and I’d like to make that journey a little easier by contributing to (tuition, rent, books, transportation, travel, etc.).”

“I’m inspired that you are starting your own business, and I’d like to invest X to help facilitate your launch and support your growth. Consider this a gift and investment in your future and know that these are funds I won’t need for a secure retirement.”

“I’m proud that you completed your education, secured your first job, and are growing in your career. I’d like to support you as you save for a down payment for your first house. If it would be helpful, I’d like to match dollar-for-dollar what you put away in a reserve account for the down payment.”

The Let Them Theory provides a powerful prompt to remain mindful of the ways we can facilitate healthy, productive outcomes and where we should release control. It provides a reminder to take the reins and make decisions for things that are squarely within our power, which are sometimes related to difficult decisions or conversations that are easy to avoid. For our own sanity and stability, it’s a great practice to create space that allows others to take responsibility for themselves. It takes practice and focus, but how well we steward, allocate, and share our time, energy, and financial resources makes all the difference in a life well lived.